Thinking about Couples Therapy? Don’t leave it too late! Comments Off on Thinking about Couples Therapy? Don’t leave it too late!

Perhaps you’ve started to feel that there are significant problems in your relationship. You may have talked to each other and tried to fix the problems, but they keep resurfacing. Maybe you’ve already considered going to see a couples therapist, but aren’t sure if your problems are “serious enough” to be thinking about something as extreme as couples therapy. How long should you wait before deciding that you do, in fact, need professional help?

How long do other couples with relationship problems wait?

According to John Gottman, one of the world’s most renowned couples experts, the average distressed couple reportedly waits about 6 years after serious problems begin before seeking therapy. However, his evidence for this statement seems to come from a small and dated study. A more recent study by Doherty and colleagues (2021) found that couples who went to therapy after the “onset of serious problems” waited an average of nearly 3 years. This is still quite a long time for a couple to endure serious problems in their relationship!

What is the problem with waiting too long?

There are several reasons why a longer delay can cause problems.

First, the longer a couple’s relationship is troubled by frequent conflicts, the more entrenched their negative cycles become and these patterns become more stable over time (see my blog about cycles). Common negative cycles include demand–withdraw cycles; pursuer–distancer patterns; and contempt–defensiveness spirals. Over time, these become automatic interactional scripts (patterns of communication that feel instinctive and often habitual). The more entrenched a habit becomes, the harder it is for patterns to be reversed and new habits to take their place. (Part of what happens in therapy is identifying unhelpful habits and replacing them with healthier, more helpful ones). In particular, four kinds of behavior become more common and extreme. Gottman calls these “The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse” of relationships: criticism; defensiveness; stonewalling (a.k.a. withdrawal); and contempt. Gottman’s detailed and lengthy research into how couples behave – and what happens to those couples over long periods of time – has clearly demonstrated that the presence of any of these “four horsemen” is very damaging to the relationship.

A second, equally serious problem that occurs when relationship issues are not addressed is that the level of positive feelings that partners have for each other gets eroded. It is this “store cupboard” of positivity that helps protect couples against any negative feelings that might arise during arguments and disagreements. Without those positive feelings (warmth, affection, trust, compassion, tolerance and so on) any disagreements or perceived criticisms are amplified and feel harsher, and this further erodes the positivity. Gottman refers to the work of Robert Weiss (1980) who coined the terms positive sentiment override (PSO) and negative sentiment override (NSO). With positive sentiment override, negative messages from one partner are not seen as particularly negative, or at least they’re not taken personally. When there’s negative sentiment override, neutral – or even positive – messages can be interpreted by the partner as negative. Partners become primed to look for the negatives and begin to “collect” them, leading to an overwhelming store of bad feelings that colors every interaction between them.

A third, quite different problem can occur: that of emotional disengagement. Here, a couple have simply begun to “switch off” from their relationship. Some couples enter therapy when one or both partners have already psychologically exited the relationship. They have begun the process of detaching, perhaps even considering alternatives (separation, divorce, affairs) or have simply given up on getting what they want from the relationship, seeking connection or stimulation elsewhere. In relationships like this, there’s often a marked lack of affection, humor, active interest in one another, joy, excitement, support and empathy.

It seems clear that the longer couples leave problems unaddressed, the more difficult it becomes to undo the damage, and the more challenging it becomes for the relationship to recover.

So if you’ve become aware of problems in your own relationship, why not talk about it with your partner and think about reaching out to me for a free consultation to see if I think I can help?