A quick piece about cycles! Comments Off on A quick piece about cycles!

So much of what I observe when I’m working in therapy with clients (individuals, couples and families) brings forth images in my head of “cycles”. What do I mean by this? Let me try to show you.

I frequently see the world in terms of “feedback loops”, where the impact of one thing (“A”) happening is to influence another thing (“B”) to happen more. Then, when B happens more, it influences A, causing A to happen more!

And so the loop goes on, with ever-increasing intensity of both A and B.

Perhaps one of the most common examples of this is bickering. Here, one member of a pair finds fault with the other one. They may use an irritable tone, or even raise their voice. The other one feels criticized and hurt, so they go on the defensive, often finding fault with the first person. They may also raise their voice or sound angry. Now, the first person not only feels their original issue is not being addressed (something was not right, but it’s not being fixed); they are also coming under fire themselves. All too often, this escalates into a tit-for-tat bickering match in which both players feel hurt, angry, unheard and – sadly – less fond of each other! This is a classic “vicious cycle”.

Clearly, it’s not good for relationships!

Other common vicious cycles that I observe in therapy include:

• The “pursuer-distancer” relationship: the pursuer feels distant or disconnected, gets anxious and reaches out more. The distancer feels pressured or overwhelmed and pulls away to protect themselves. The pursuer feels even more rejected, trying even harder to get closer. The distancer feels even more smothered and withdraws further. Round and round they go.
• The anxiety cycle: you feel anxious. You notice your heart racing. You worry something’s wrong (and often begin to search your mind for what it is). You feel more anxious. The loop intensifies.
• The cycle of depression, negative thoughts and low motivation: depressed people often feel poorly motivated to do anything with their day, frequently telling themselves that there’s not much point because they don’t have much to contribute or that they won’t get much out of it. This can lead to days full of inactivity; not reaching out to friends (“They won’t want to see me”), not completing chores (“There’s no point … I won’t do a good job”), and not doing the things that normally give them pleasure (“I won’t enjoy it anyway”). The “vicious” part of this cycle is that the depressed person will often look back at their day and feel guilty, ashamed or hopeless about how little they achieved (“I’m boring … I’m lonely … I’m lazy … I’m useless”). These thoughts only contribute to the original problem making it worse.

As you can see, there are cycles everywhere, and they happen in couples and individuals; with thoughts, feelings and behaviors; and they can involve multiple stages.

These are all examples of “vicious cycles” which work in negative (unhelpful) ways. Frequently, in therapy, I find myself looking for ways to turn these around and convert them into cycles that work in positive (helpful) ways (also known as “virtuous” cycles). These are feedback loops where increases in A and B (in the diagram, above) are desirable outcomes such as harmony, love, happiness or peace!

Think about our bickering couple. Imagine if they stopped criticizing each other and making each other feel hurt and angry. Instead, one of them deliberately does something that they know will make the other one feel loved and cared for. Their partner, noticing and feeling loved and cared for, thinks “Wow! That’s so nice! I really love them” In turn, they’re motivated to reciprocate with an equally impressive act of love. And so the love grows!

If you’re looking for greater calmness, more positivity, increased peace and love in your relationship or just a better sense of overall happiness and wellbeing, feel free to reach out and see if I can help turn your negative cycles around.