What are the most common things that couples argue about? Comments Off on What are the most common things that couples argue about?

Drawing upon research and my own experience as a couples therapist, I thought I’d share something about conflict within couples’ relationships. It’s important to note that fights and arguments within relationships often occur due to complex emotional factors, deeply held beliefs and convictions, and strongly-held expectations that originate in individual’s upbringing and life experiences ever since they were young children. The actual “subject matter” being argued about is only one factor among the many that contribute to conflict in relationships.

Couples often argue about recurring themes. The most common areas of conflict include:

Money and Finances – Spending (vs. saving) habits; financial priorities (e.g., vacations vs. retirement savings); debt and credit cards; and unequal contributions to household expenses.

Household Responsibilities – Division of chores or mental load (planning, scheduling, etc.). It’s fairly common for one partner to perceive an imbalance in effort or fairness with regard to running the home.

Sex and Intimacy – Mismatched levels of desire, frequency or quality of sex; emotional vs. physical intimacy needs; different likes and dislikes regarding sexual activities and interests.

Communication Styles – Feeling unheard, misunderstood or dismissed; one partner reacting to the other’s criticism or tone of voice; discrepancies about individual approaches to direct confrontation vs avoidance.

Time and Priorities – how much time is spent together vs. apart; prioritizing work, hobbies, or extended family over the relationship.

Parenting and Family – parenting styles and different opinions about how to discipline the children; balancing roles as partners vs. parents (such as finding time to still be a ‘couple’); and conflicts over in-laws or the involvement of extended family.

Trust and Jealousy – infidelity or suspicion of it (e.g. checking locations and messages on phones); boundaries with friends or ex-partners; and emotional transparency.

Personal Habits – lifestyle differences (e.g., cleanliness, personal hygiene, health, punctuality); or annoying daily habits (e.g., leaving lights on, not cleaning up)

Values and Goals – career ambitions vs. family life; “big-picture” disagreements (where to live, future plans); or differences in religious or cultural expectations.

It is important for couples to iron out some of these differences and to come to agreements about important aspects of their relationship that affect both of them. This sometimes involves finding compromises or “middle ground”, negotiating “deals”, or simply agreeing to disagree. Sadly, however, the ability to resolve differences gets lost in the patterns of the couples’ interactions, particularly when both partners are determined to “win” or “be right”. A major part of the approach towards achieving a healthy, harmonious relationship is to find ways to express and discuss the various concerns, worries, differences of opinion and criticisms without either party feeling attacked, defensive or defeated. Ideally, the outcome should be as close to a “win-win” as possible (see Stephen Covey’s “7 Habits of Highly Effective People, Habit #4).

As an experienced couples therapist, I often find myself in the role of helping couples find resolutions for these common conflicts, through identifying each partner’s core beliefs; analyzing their cognitive and behavioral reactions to each other’s opinions, beliefs, and behaviors; and identifying pathways towards a middle ground in which both individuals can claim a “win” and neither has to “lose”.

If any of the areas of conflict described above seem familiar to you in your couples relationship, why not reach out to me to see if I can help you find resolution, lasting peace and harmony?